The power of taking a break: nurturing healthy communication in relationships

Introduction

It is important to take breaks during conversations in order to maintain good communication and a strong relationship. Being able to pause during an argument is one of the most essential skills you can have in a relationship. According to Kerry Lusignan, LMHC, taking breaks helps people calm down, see things more clearly, and have a better conversation with their partner later on.This shows how important effective communication skills are, like those taught by the Gottman Institute, for resolving conflicts in relationships. Expert on marriage and divorce, Dr. John Gottman, talks a lot about the need for taking breaks during heated conversations. However, he does say that it may be harmful to stop a conversation too early or to push a partner too far. He also warns that using time apart in the wrong way can make things worse by causing more anger and distance between partners. The Gottman Institute gives clear rules for taking breaks. The rules go over things like when is it the best time to take a break, what to do when you're on one, and how to come back together when you're done. More specifically, these rules include listening without getting defensive, knowing when to stop and cool down, and doing activities that help you reset emotionally and see things differently.

Understanding the Dynamics of Heated Conversations

A heated conversation in a relationship is a discussion or argument that gets very emotional and tense. Emotions like anger, frustration, hurt, and defensiveness are often involved, making it harder to communicate well. Heated discussions can start because of misunderstandings, different viewpoints, unmet expectations, and unresolved issues from the past. When these things happen, people may feel threatened, not valued, or unheard, which makes the conversation more intense. As emotions rise, the chance of the conversation turning into a bigger argument or conflict also goes up. This can lead to poor communication, misunderstandings, and harm to the relationship. It's important for people in a relationship to notice when a conversation is getting heated and try to calm things down by communicating well, listening actively, and showing empathy.

The Role of Communication in Relationship Health

In order to foster a healthy relationship, you need to establish a line of communication because this allows couples to share their needs, feelings, and worries. If conflicts are not resolved, they can cause a lot of stress and unhappiness in the relationship. The Gottman communication skills framework gives couples useful tools to solve conflicts, understand each other better, and show empathy. Seeing a couples counselor trained in Gottman methods can also help develop healthy communication and improve the relationship. For more information, you can visit our website's couples counseling page.

Recognizing the Need for a Break

But what you should look out to know when you need to take a break during a heated conversation with your partner. Some signs include growing anger or frustration, which can make it hard to talk clearly. When emotions are high, you might feel things like a fast heartbeat, tense muscles, shallow breathing, or feeling overwhelmed. Couples should pay attention to their emotions and how they communicate to see when a break is needed. It's important to notice your body's signals, like feeling tense, upset, or unable to think clearly. Also, watch for nonverbal signs like raised voices, avoiding eye contact, or a dismissive tone of voice. By noticing these signs and realizing when emotions are getting out of control, couples can take a break to calm down, see things more clearly, and stop the conflict from getting worse. This can lead to better and more respectful communication in the relationship.

Implementing Gottman's Timeout Technique

Gottman's concept of using timeouts in conflict resolution can be quite useful for couples. It involves knowing when to take a break from an argument and using that time to calm down so you can talk about the issue more calmly and openly later. To take a break effectively, you should set a time limit for the timeout. Dr. Gottman suggests at least twenty minutes to let your body calm down. It's also important to physically separate during this time to avoid long silences that can hurt trust. However, the timeout should be used to calm down and think, not to avoid the problem. During the timeout, avoid negative thoughts about your partner and stop any venting or self-protective actions. Instead, do activities that help you relax and take your mind off the conflict, like going for a walk or doing chores. The goal is to be open to seeing the situation from a different, calmer perspective.

Benefits of Taking a Timeout

Taking breaks during heated conversations can help you and your relationship in many ways. First, as mentioned throughout this blog, timeouts let you calm down and think more clearly. When emotions are high, it's hard to effectively get your thoughts and feelings across to your partner. Taking a break helps you approach the conversation with a clearer mind, so you’re less likely to say or do something you'll regret. Timeouts also stop things from getting worse and help you talk more constructively. When tensions are high, arguments can quickly get out of control, leading to hurtful words and actions. By taking a break, you can prevent this and have a better conversation once you’ve both calmed down. Finally, timeouts give you a chance to think about your own feelings and understand your partner's perspective. This can lead to more empathy and better communication when you continue the conversation, helping to make your relationship healthier.

Strategies for Effective Timeout Implementation

It still maybe difficult to incorporate all this information into your conversations with your partner, so here are some practical tips to help you: 

 Open Communication: It's important for partners to talk openly about using timeouts and why they are helpful. Both should know that timeouts are not for avoiding issues, but for calming down and stopping conflicts from getting worse.

Set Ground Rules: Make clear rules for timeouts, like how long they should last and a promise to come back to the conversation afterward. This ensures timeouts are used properly and not to avoid problems.

Alternative Activities: Suggest things to do during timeouts that help calm emotions, like deep breathing, journaling, or taking a walk. These activities can help partners relax and think more clearly before talking again.

Practice Self-Awareness: Encourage partners to be aware of their feelings during timeouts and avoid complaining to others or having negative thoughts about their partner. Instead, they should focus on calming down and thinking about different viewpoints.

Reconnect After Timeout: Stress the importance of getting back together after a timeout. Partners should use the break to think about their emotions and come back to the conversation with more understanding and openness.

Conclusion

In conclusion, good communication is one of the key pillars of healthy relationships. It helps couples share their feelings and needs without being critical, showing disdain, getting defensive, or shutting down. Taking breaks during heated conversations is key to stopping fights from getting worse and helping couples understand each other. By using Gottman's timeout technique, couples can take a break to calm down, think clearly, and avoid getting stuck in silence. Using this technique can make relationships happier and last longer. It helps couples handle conflicts in a healthy way, leading to growth, understanding, and a stronger bond.